Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
