My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
