i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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