i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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