Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
