I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My vagina just clenched in fear
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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