My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
