i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
