She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
