Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
