dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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