The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
