I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
