Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
