My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
