My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
