So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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