The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize