I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
