Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
