My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
