I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
