Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's Friday. Sex?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
