I'm gonna have a badass scar
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
