This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
