How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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