p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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