Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
don't judge my taste in strippers
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
we're so committed to being not committed
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
