I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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