Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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