I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
