I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
is that a dick in a sweater?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Your penis caused this!
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