keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
