he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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