oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
