the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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