I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
