Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
