If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
