my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
