a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
40s are totally the cure
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
