my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
