Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
