He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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