Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
