you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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