I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
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Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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