id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
