new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
