i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
