Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
