It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
