and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
