you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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