I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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