its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize