and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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