I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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